This year for D's birthday, we spent a long weekend at a beach house on the Oregon coast with some friends. It was so peaceful and serene. Sure, this is a given. But after a hard year of dealing with two felonies and Pete, the peace and silence was magnified. I ran with Lucky on the beach till my legs hurt and my lungs tired. I ran till I was cold and wind-blown. Til I was breathless.

Then the leaves started to fall in beautiful Portland. The air picked up that fall scent and I actually, finally, finished my hours of community service. I am so relieved. I feel freedom on my skin again. I am still on mellow probation, not that I meet with anyone monthly or have to pee in a cup, but I am marked. Supposed to be for three years, but I can appeal as of next November to be let off early. I have to get trip permits before I can leave the state. But I can't feel like I am not free. I refuse. I have made it out of my blessed and cursed Saturn Return. I made it out of that fucked up Love Triangle like the Bermuda. Was lost, but am now found.

There is some other light that has been lit in me. Something I feel I have been trying to get to throughout my 20's. The layer of light that I had to dig for. I have arrived. I remember when I was buried in that metaphorical tunnel, I knew this was here, this is what I was striving for.

It's not the kind of revelation or discovery that will be published or screamed from the tops of buildings, but that which will be seen in my eyes daily, will be traced in my form as I walk through my days now.

I'm free.

And I've got a plan.

hopeful

I wonder sometimes if these lessons could have come to me in a different form. Like if things would have worked out with Peter, my deepest love, and we stayed cozy at the foot of that rainbow, eventually marrying and having a child... perhaps not in that order... Would I have then learned about the magnitude of life and consiousness, would the growth have come to me in the form of life, rather than death?

Instead, the past three years especially, moving from my 20's to my 30's, all these events of loss captured me and held me so close to the icy breath that all I could do was hang on and pray for transformation out of the ice, through the fire, back to solid ground. I wonder. Could life have taught me such depth of itself, or could only death reach me with the message?

And now I sit here watching the clouds wrap up the gray. Remembering, again, the cycle of nature... Night follows day; day follows night. I trail the shadows as well as the bright light reflected off the landscape. Take another deep breath, before letting it go.

Please, I need to trust again. I need to trust. I want to.

curious

Then Pete was an asshole and not a friend. I told him he wouldn't be hearing from me again & thanks for the closure. It is most likely the easiest direction to take. To say fuck you and wave good-bye with our middle fingers. Part of the closure is knowing we love each other, but that our lives are not meant to weave. Accept and move on.

So many doors closing, less than a handful of tender good-byes. Making room for new energy, new blood, fresh risks.

Just finished Don Miguel Ruiz's book The Four Agreements.

1) Be impeccable with your word.
2) Don't take anything personally.
3) Don't make assumptions.
4) Always do your best.

high

It's been one year. I called Pete for the first time in three months, also right after him and Angela broke up. We met at the  Night Light to embrace, get caught up over vodka, play chess finally. He had walked in the lame graduation ceremony from our massage school that day. A place in my life that held a large amount of time but seems so distant now.

We ended up in a park, to puff on the big slide. We kept staring into each other's eyes,... I wanted to know that I could do it, that I could open and then still walk away, that we have nothing to hide, that I wouldn't twitch or cry. Then standing by our bikes in the dark past midnight, having acknowledged our one year 'anniversary' date of our abortion and all the twigs at our feet crunching beneath our weight as we moved, attempting to say g'bye to the night... we kissed. Forever we made out in the mulch, our hands tracing the other like braille. Reading and re-reading the script of our bodies.

Neither of us planned this. We talked about how we had such chemistry and an intense connection, but he doesn't want anything to do with love or relationships, not to say that he doesn't love me. I feel independent and strong here. I don't want him like before, so uncontrollably. But still: caution.

This almost felt like closure.

The past post was in regards to the last time I saw Daniel. He is out of my mind; I have enough filth there. And Pete can be too. I am free. I really feel like that: free. Lonely and still anxious for love, but knowing what I need and knowing who cannot give it to me.

"Don't be scared of the truth."

satisfied

Daniel and I had an amazing weekend filled with full devotion, to be together for our last 36 hours. It started with me watching him perform his original stand up comedy at a theatre, to his house to hide out in each other's arms and breath, to begin the end of our love making with perfection and heatwave, to wake up to snow on the ground and a minor blizzard and a shower together, walking the icey roads to breakfast and a hot toddy, to scoring a free cookie with our coffee, to a late start of Sunday porn, to nap time, to skidding around on the ice in the truck to rent a movie, to ordering pizza, to sleeping as one, to waking again to union and ecstacy, to saying good bye.

Four months of us and I am grateful I can see the sun shining from our love more than the shadows cast from the departure. In my heart I know it is right and part of me is very excited. But missing him. I hope we can be able to see each other, after we are free from 'us', in a month, in time for my 30th birthday Jan. 13th.

So many changes and transformation and things that I am not allowed to write about here.

Joseph took off unexpectedly, so I have been trying to fill our house, while also saying good bye to the home we had. I miss him terribly and this sanctuary is not the same. I think I have found one good new housemate, and working on solidifying two others.

So I've decided to move out and move on. It's worked out perfectly. Right after I turn 30, I'll be in a new house, much smaller, but just with one woman. A quite amazing mature woman, a teacher of women's history, a conscious in-tune woman. And from all of the energetic residue I have maintained from this home, I will take with me to a new life. A life as an adult, moving into my 30's... more confident, smooth sailing, intuitive, gifted, grateful, studious, and with my rock steady career as a bodyworker/massage therapist and private yoga teacher.

My intuition and skill in bodywork is only growing. That has been my project for some time now and it is paying off.

Shiva The Destroyer... re-create me with Divine recognition... Om.

thankful

I think right after I wrote that last post, I went over to D's and he broke it off with me. We held each other, with fear of love and attachment dancing around us like a storm, and he only knew how to call it off. We sat in his yoga room and spoke our truths. It was feeling like such a wicked game to play, until we held each other. We care about each other, resonate, are on the same spiritual and emotional path, and really nothing is wrong except our patterns and our ideals of how other choices may be. We held each other, we looked into each other's eyes, which brought us to making love once again... making love with tears and ferocity and psychotic tenderness.

Our break up lasted two days. I couldn't stay the night that evening. I went home and cried most of the night until I had soggy, saggy bags under my eyes and they were too puffy to open fully. Then, essentially, we agreed to be fall lovers... that we had not done everything we needed to do together. We had an amazing Autumnal Equinox with a ritual and intention and a bountiful feast. I grasped for being together until Winter Solstice, then having a meaningful closing ceremony. Silly, trying to control emotions and the heart. We like each other and we enjoy each other's company... that's the truth. That much we can agree on.

We've had a wonderful time since then, growing together and enjoying life. We did a bump of coke at Moni's birthday party after she attacked me with her wet kisses. We ate some liquid LSD on Halloween and bonded over that trip. We spent the last weekend in Seattle biking, eating, laughing, doing yoga, hanging with my friends. We are planning Thanksgiving dinner, which is also his 40th birthday! We can admit we miss each other when we do, even if it's two hours after parting ways from the train station after Seattle because I have to go to work.

So. Love. I can only hold him until he's gone.

The other thing taking up my time and energy is massage and bodywork and my new massage space! I'm sharing it with two people I met at school. Kim does deep tissue, pregnancy massage, and swedish. Todd does traditional Thai and TuiNa (Chinese massage). It is 15 blocks from my house in a small business neighborhood that is starting to boom. We are upstairs in this house turned commecial. The other upstairs tenants are web designers, so they're pretty quiet. It has a small kitchen and bathroom and our room is big enough for couples massage (two massage tables at once). I have been doing several weekly private yoga lessons and have two massages lined up for tomorrow. Part of our schtick is that we are 'affordable therapeutic massage'.

www.divisionmassage.com

Putting lots of energy in that. Staying driven and attempting to keep my head on straight. Getting through these last four months of my Saturn Return and the energetic transformation of this Self.

Next journal post, I'll write about the inspirational and encouraging psychic reading I received a few weeks ago.

XOXO

busy

I went over to close the circle between us because I was afraid and felt like I was just waiting for this man I utterly adore to hurt me. He went camping for the weekend, came back, and told me he realized he didn't want to casually sleep with people, that we have such an amazing thing started, but something is missing.

We talked and opened our relationship up in other avenues. I stayed the night. We unfolded in each other's arms, and allowed ourselves to do so. Now that I feel I can trust this and that I'll be safe, I can let myself be free in him. And vice versa.

I am back to not smoking the blessed weed. It did throw off my Homeopathic remedy. That's why I was back at being all emotional and reactionary. Interesting, the whole process.

full